Welcome last one of these for October. Next week will be a new month and a new time. I realize we are approaching November when I normally write my novel. I am going to try SO HARD to do it this year. I only have 1 idea so far. I am just not inspired. Top off with two very hard the hardest two weeks of my life in a very long time IF EVER. So I will just go with this idea. It might be a crap month but I will try. Its gotten harder doing NaNo over the last few years since I stopped really reading books. And I know that sounds weird. But they inspire me. So I am not reading so I am not inspired and its harder to come up with ideas on what to write. But we shall try. November and December are VERY HARD this year. I truly dont want to celebrate the holidays and of course my 40th birthday too sigh.
1. I miss you Rainbow. I miss you SO MUCH! I still cry every day. I still mourn for you grieve for you I will probably always be grieving. Always wanting to be with her. To hold her one more time. I think about the times we had in the past and the more recent. How quickly she went. And oddly enough side note: her ashes aren't here yet? I mean it said 5 to 14 days on the website its been 2 weeks. No one answers me so I will be calling back on Monday :( I miss you Rainbow. Please come back to me please. Why did you leave me sweet baby girl?
2. Job is okay blah. My older manager the only one I have known and the one that hired me has moved to the store in Vista ironic the one I almost lived at I was there like 4 or 5 times a week every week for 4 years. Well she is there now. She gave me a hug on Friday and then on Saturday her replacement the manager from there came here and we met up. And of course came the issues of losing an employee quickly as we did and barely a notice he on schedule and no one else there and of course me leaving Saturday and probably tomorrow on Monday too very little fun :( I need a new job. Quickly. I have a few friends I will miss. But truly I need another job. My knee pain is so bad all the time I just cant keep doing this.
3. Gym twice last week not bad! Also my knee doing better on Thursday I actually rode the bike at the gym and the next day at home. GOAL is to ride at least 5min at home every day. Unless I doing the gym later on.
4. Bible study was okay on Thursday but tough. I am still an emotional wreck so almost crying most of the time really hit me hard. hugs and love to all. you got to know I have spent my whole life not feeling loved at home so its hard to hear you say you love me. I mean it. I love you and you love me. But it just doesn't affect me like it affects you. I do feel loved and that scares me too. I am a super big mess. NO study again for two weeks.
5. Show 10 was not bad I had fun. Almost to show 11 again. Cant believe how fast we flying by. I need to fill out my BOG information. At this point I am unsure if I can come back on student aid even if they let me. I am afraid of the future. I try to not be but I truly am.
Welp I am sick again a month later. Cough cold moving fast. I blame weather not helping and being run down and stressed and all that. Have a nice week everyone. See you all in November next month new time. God bless you!
Every weekend I write down the top 5 things that happened to me from the week it ends on (usually Sundays). Stole/borrowed the idea from author Sarah Dessen. Very fun!
Saturday, October 26, 2019
Sunday, October 20, 2019
The Weekend 5 (Sunday, October 20th 2019)
Welcome to my first of many long weeks. How was yours? Hope better than mine :(
1. I miss you Rainbow. I will always miss you. I have never felt such pain over losing someone. And I have lost many and some very close. I have lost pets and people. No-one has broken my heart the way your death has broken mine. I cry and then I dont. Everything makes me sad. You are everywhere. The more I looked for pictures this past week the more I realized how much you were in everything. That doesn't count my pictures I cant find right now between 2002 and 2005 I had regular photos in an album in the garage somewhere. That was before my digital camera I got in 2005. I miss you. I miss holding you, taking care of you and yes silly thing cleaning up after you. I miss it all. I still am sad that I didnt get to say good bye. I haven't fully forgiven myself for things that I should. I need to. I know God is healing me. I have to believer I will see you again. But I miss you. I am real! I will always show emotion and this is affecting me so much. In everything. At work I cant smile like I used to I try. I get distracted sometimes. Then I feel guilty for being happy like I cant be. If I am happy I have forgotten you so I go back to being sad. When I cant stop crying especially I ask Jesus to carry me through this cause I cant do this alone I just cant. Some say it will get better you will stop you will heal. But when? I have never stopped missing my cat nor my grandma. I lost my cat in 2010 my grandma in 2006 and I have never gotten over their deaths. I think in the end deaths depend not just on the one you lost but you yourself. I am by nature emotional and I loving. And caring. And this is just hitting me badly. I miss you Rainbow. I miss that you will not be here at thanksgiving to share turkey with. Or at Christmas to give gifts to and dress you up. I miss you not getting to wear your cute pj's when it gets colder. And dance it I miss I couldn't even let you wear your new halloween costume I was SO excited to get you! I have never gotten a full outfit for you before not counting the one made for babies I got in 2017. I MISS YOU SO MUCH!! This is breaking my heart my baby I dont get it. Why are you gone? Why?
2. Work this week was shorter as planned. Of course after I lost Rainbow I was not scheduled on Sunday thank God. I went to church volunteered for the children I had already planned that and just let it happen. Then I came home and just relaxed. Monday I called out I couldn't handle work yet. So I only worked 3 days total Wednesday, Friday & Saturday. I got my PTO to take care of Monday and the 3hrs I lost on Saturday. I will built it back up again. I cant smile at work people think I am mad or tired. No guys it is not that it truly is not! :(
3. GYM did it twice wow for us! Went on Monday & went again on Thursday. Sure my knee is horrible but we went. I am always happy to go. Wish I could get my knee better but I am trying even though it hurts so bad some days. And I sill wonder what is going on.
4. Thursday skipped my bible study dinner. I was going to dye my hair didnt work out. I did go to the bird place with my mom I thought we had fun but we didnt see enough major things I guess. Even though we there almost 3hrs. Then I went to the doctor for my X-ray I need to find out the results for this and I have not yet found out and unsure how I am supposed to find out. Ugh.
5. Show 9 went went well. Despite feeling so sad I did go and had fun doing it. I talked over songs which I never do and I did it every time I could. I hope my boss is proud. I also want to keep doing this sounding professional working on my work so I can get a real job. I need to work on my homework for one class and decided by Wednesday which 2 I am not keeping. I am trying VERY HARD to keep one at least. I also need to apply for FASA to see what happens. Praying for one more year. And for crying out loud I need to look for another job too ASAP.
That is all for now. This week much like last but bible study is back on. Heat spell coming unsure what we doing with that on Tuesday stay tuned till next weekend. One more of these in October crazy. till then. God bless you all!
1. I miss you Rainbow. I will always miss you. I have never felt such pain over losing someone. And I have lost many and some very close. I have lost pets and people. No-one has broken my heart the way your death has broken mine. I cry and then I dont. Everything makes me sad. You are everywhere. The more I looked for pictures this past week the more I realized how much you were in everything. That doesn't count my pictures I cant find right now between 2002 and 2005 I had regular photos in an album in the garage somewhere. That was before my digital camera I got in 2005. I miss you. I miss holding you, taking care of you and yes silly thing cleaning up after you. I miss it all. I still am sad that I didnt get to say good bye. I haven't fully forgiven myself for things that I should. I need to. I know God is healing me. I have to believer I will see you again. But I miss you. I am real! I will always show emotion and this is affecting me so much. In everything. At work I cant smile like I used to I try. I get distracted sometimes. Then I feel guilty for being happy like I cant be. If I am happy I have forgotten you so I go back to being sad. When I cant stop crying especially I ask Jesus to carry me through this cause I cant do this alone I just cant. Some say it will get better you will stop you will heal. But when? I have never stopped missing my cat nor my grandma. I lost my cat in 2010 my grandma in 2006 and I have never gotten over their deaths. I think in the end deaths depend not just on the one you lost but you yourself. I am by nature emotional and I loving. And caring. And this is just hitting me badly. I miss you Rainbow. I miss that you will not be here at thanksgiving to share turkey with. Or at Christmas to give gifts to and dress you up. I miss you not getting to wear your cute pj's when it gets colder. And dance it I miss I couldn't even let you wear your new halloween costume I was SO excited to get you! I have never gotten a full outfit for you before not counting the one made for babies I got in 2017. I MISS YOU SO MUCH!! This is breaking my heart my baby I dont get it. Why are you gone? Why?
2. Work this week was shorter as planned. Of course after I lost Rainbow I was not scheduled on Sunday thank God. I went to church volunteered for the children I had already planned that and just let it happen. Then I came home and just relaxed. Monday I called out I couldn't handle work yet. So I only worked 3 days total Wednesday, Friday & Saturday. I got my PTO to take care of Monday and the 3hrs I lost on Saturday. I will built it back up again. I cant smile at work people think I am mad or tired. No guys it is not that it truly is not! :(
3. GYM did it twice wow for us! Went on Monday & went again on Thursday. Sure my knee is horrible but we went. I am always happy to go. Wish I could get my knee better but I am trying even though it hurts so bad some days. And I sill wonder what is going on.
4. Thursday skipped my bible study dinner. I was going to dye my hair didnt work out. I did go to the bird place with my mom I thought we had fun but we didnt see enough major things I guess. Even though we there almost 3hrs. Then I went to the doctor for my X-ray I need to find out the results for this and I have not yet found out and unsure how I am supposed to find out. Ugh.
5. Show 9 went went well. Despite feeling so sad I did go and had fun doing it. I talked over songs which I never do and I did it every time I could. I hope my boss is proud. I also want to keep doing this sounding professional working on my work so I can get a real job. I need to work on my homework for one class and decided by Wednesday which 2 I am not keeping. I am trying VERY HARD to keep one at least. I also need to apply for FASA to see what happens. Praying for one more year. And for crying out loud I need to look for another job too ASAP.
That is all for now. This week much like last but bible study is back on. Heat spell coming unsure what we doing with that on Tuesday stay tuned till next weekend. One more of these in October crazy. till then. God bless you all!
Saturday, October 12, 2019
The Weekend 5 (Sunday, October 13th 2019)
This week ended very sadly. That will be the topic of my first of 5. I am still very upset and this is breaking my heart. Please keep me in prayers. I am unsure how I can go on with her :'(
1. My precious Maltese dog Rainbow Quaker died yesterday October 12th. She had my parents by her side but she did not have me. I didnt say good bye to her. I was not even home! I gave her the medicine she gets and that was the last I ever saw her alive. I went to work. I was 3hrs from getting off when they called me at work. When they called me I just knew. It was her it was Rainbow. She was gone. Mom paid for her to be cremated so they took her away. With promises of a box of her ashes and a little paw print for me to remember her. I love her so much. She was more than a dog she was my child. Dogs love you purely they love you real and she loved me more than any other person on this earth will ever. And now I have no one she is gone. I miss her so much. Never again will she lick my face, squirm in my arms, yell like she always did. I dont know what took her. And for some reason this was Gods plan to have it happen when I was not home. I am only thankful that she was not alone and that I didnt have to decide to have her put to sleep. I think maybe being here would have been worse then not being. Either way I wont question God I wont blame God. God gave me this beautiful gift and now she is back with him. I have to believe in heaven we will see our pets again. Princess Cocoa and now my Rainbow. I will always love you my sweet baby. I will always love you and I will treasure my 17 years with you. I hate you had to suffer. I hate you had to get sick and that is part of why you left me. I hate it. I miss you. I cant believe you are gone!! :'(
2. Work this week same old. Worked my 5 days. I left early when Rainbow died so I lost 3hrs but I will make it up with my PTO. I plan to call out on Monday so I can grieve a bit more. My knee is so bad now I am seeing a doctor Tuesday mom is paying for this. I am unsure if I will need to see a specialist. Not looking forward to this but its just bad my knee it needs to happen. So work is blah. I need a new job. I am over this. But now that I know why I wasn't working tomorrow and this was it right here. God knew I did not. So today I will go to church and then come back home and relax work on my show maybe dye my hair. Oh well!
3. GYM did it once this week. Sadly my knee so bad I only did 2 of our 3 things. And even the relaxing machine to relax us hurt me so bad I had to get off early. Ugh. But yeah still love the gym!!
4. Show #8 went well onto show #9. My air check although I got full credit went okay because my editing skills SUCK! But yeah there you go. Next week begins my fast track class. I also have to sign up for my FASA and pray I get one more year of this but unsure a this point :( if I cant get FASA I will have to decide if I can afford $350 for school on my own which is still cheaper then $400 per month for my two student loans :(
5. Thursday went back to the Bible study. Had fun. I thought it would be hard working on that it was easy. Got a ride home which was nice. SO yeah I am really getting involved with church and its really exhausting me. I mean its great dont get me wrong and they love me so much and its great to be loved by them when I feel little love else wear. But yikes. Introvert help!!I now volunteer once a month and I go to these studies. Who am I?
Well that is all for now. I miss you Rainbow so much still. If you can die from a broken heart, and you can, I could possibly. This could be the end of me. And if it is I dont care anymore. I love life I love Jesus I am not going to kill myself but I will say this: if I die from a broken heart I will be very happy. Till next week.
1. My precious Maltese dog Rainbow Quaker died yesterday October 12th. She had my parents by her side but she did not have me. I didnt say good bye to her. I was not even home! I gave her the medicine she gets and that was the last I ever saw her alive. I went to work. I was 3hrs from getting off when they called me at work. When they called me I just knew. It was her it was Rainbow. She was gone. Mom paid for her to be cremated so they took her away. With promises of a box of her ashes and a little paw print for me to remember her. I love her so much. She was more than a dog she was my child. Dogs love you purely they love you real and she loved me more than any other person on this earth will ever. And now I have no one she is gone. I miss her so much. Never again will she lick my face, squirm in my arms, yell like she always did. I dont know what took her. And for some reason this was Gods plan to have it happen when I was not home. I am only thankful that she was not alone and that I didnt have to decide to have her put to sleep. I think maybe being here would have been worse then not being. Either way I wont question God I wont blame God. God gave me this beautiful gift and now she is back with him. I have to believe in heaven we will see our pets again. Princess Cocoa and now my Rainbow. I will always love you my sweet baby. I will always love you and I will treasure my 17 years with you. I hate you had to suffer. I hate you had to get sick and that is part of why you left me. I hate it. I miss you. I cant believe you are gone!! :'(
2. Work this week same old. Worked my 5 days. I left early when Rainbow died so I lost 3hrs but I will make it up with my PTO. I plan to call out on Monday so I can grieve a bit more. My knee is so bad now I am seeing a doctor Tuesday mom is paying for this. I am unsure if I will need to see a specialist. Not looking forward to this but its just bad my knee it needs to happen. So work is blah. I need a new job. I am over this. But now that I know why I wasn't working tomorrow and this was it right here. God knew I did not. So today I will go to church and then come back home and relax work on my show maybe dye my hair. Oh well!
3. GYM did it once this week. Sadly my knee so bad I only did 2 of our 3 things. And even the relaxing machine to relax us hurt me so bad I had to get off early. Ugh. But yeah still love the gym!!
4. Show #8 went well onto show #9. My air check although I got full credit went okay because my editing skills SUCK! But yeah there you go. Next week begins my fast track class. I also have to sign up for my FASA and pray I get one more year of this but unsure a this point :( if I cant get FASA I will have to decide if I can afford $350 for school on my own which is still cheaper then $400 per month for my two student loans :(
5. Thursday went back to the Bible study. Had fun. I thought it would be hard working on that it was easy. Got a ride home which was nice. SO yeah I am really getting involved with church and its really exhausting me. I mean its great dont get me wrong and they love me so much and its great to be loved by them when I feel little love else wear. But yikes. Introvert help!!I now volunteer once a month and I go to these studies. Who am I?
Well that is all for now. I miss you Rainbow so much still. If you can die from a broken heart, and you can, I could possibly. This could be the end of me. And if it is I dont care anymore. I love life I love Jesus I am not going to kill myself but I will say this: if I die from a broken heart I will be very happy. Till next week.
Saturday, October 5, 2019
The Weekend 5 (Sunday, October 6th 2019)
Welcome to October! I am now realizing how close we are to November when I normally write my book. I am at a loss of what to write about. I do so much so reading books that inspire me to write hasn't happened in a while. Will be interesting what I come up with. But I need to start planning and such at least towards middle of this month. Also this month I have to apply for FASA not knowing if I can keep my BOG one more year because I make more money praying I can just get another year :( I will be looking into my open enrollment at work for getting health insurance with my company. Its Halloween of course season too!! How was your week?
1. Welcome back to my Show 7. I missed you all so much last week. Last week as said before was crappy. I lost church, my show & my birding. And all that is back this week so that is GOOD! I had a great first week of Halloween with 4 more to go. Afterwards I got my first air check ready for next week. Gulp. I hope its okay. Hey I tried.
2. GYM was once this week. Not on Tuesday when should have been because the power for some weird reason got knocked out for hours and even though it over an hour later since out it still out when I got to the GYM late on Tuesday :( so we did it on Thursday instead. Still had fun. My bad leg pain is just annoying me. I hate whatever is causing this pain. I cant sit right half the time. It makes for no fun at home doing anything or at work too. Ugh why. :(
3. Work is okay. At least I worked my full 5 days this time around since last week we lost 2. Yuck. Work is work. Short on people short on patience short on everything. I need to look for a new job but I keep saying this while not looking its not getting me anywhere fast. Need to look and then I can say I tried at least and pray of course first thing first.
4. Went to Whelan Lake again after a week off. Had fun when a hawk flew in front of us and landed on the house then tree. Lots of great pictures. So fun!! Another hawk too and some other birds. Truly a fun hour just an hour there had that much fun in an hour cool!
5. Thursday even tried out the women's bible study it began again this week. Looking at he life of Moses. I will be going back next week and pray about how I will get home. I can get a ride there its getting back that might be an issue. I will skip if we do something like the zoo or universal or something else. But otherwise I plan to go all the way till next Summer. Big commitment for me. But I love my church. And they love me they all do. Hugs always welcome. I was never such a hugger till they started hugging me now I welcome anyone who wants to hug me at church. I feel like Jesus hugs me every time they do. The more they hug the more love I feel. I want to be around people who truly love me and I get that at church every time I am there in any form. This has been a big year for me in this area! God loves me and I love Him and He is loving me through His people thank you so much!!
that is all for now. This coming week unsure what will happen. About same as last week I guess. Cooler temps at night still warm during day such a Fall time in California. See you all next weekend. God bless you always!
1. Welcome back to my Show 7. I missed you all so much last week. Last week as said before was crappy. I lost church, my show & my birding. And all that is back this week so that is GOOD! I had a great first week of Halloween with 4 more to go. Afterwards I got my first air check ready for next week. Gulp. I hope its okay. Hey I tried.
2. GYM was once this week. Not on Tuesday when should have been because the power for some weird reason got knocked out for hours and even though it over an hour later since out it still out when I got to the GYM late on Tuesday :( so we did it on Thursday instead. Still had fun. My bad leg pain is just annoying me. I hate whatever is causing this pain. I cant sit right half the time. It makes for no fun at home doing anything or at work too. Ugh why. :(
3. Work is okay. At least I worked my full 5 days this time around since last week we lost 2. Yuck. Work is work. Short on people short on patience short on everything. I need to look for a new job but I keep saying this while not looking its not getting me anywhere fast. Need to look and then I can say I tried at least and pray of course first thing first.
4. Went to Whelan Lake again after a week off. Had fun when a hawk flew in front of us and landed on the house then tree. Lots of great pictures. So fun!! Another hawk too and some other birds. Truly a fun hour just an hour there had that much fun in an hour cool!
5. Thursday even tried out the women's bible study it began again this week. Looking at he life of Moses. I will be going back next week and pray about how I will get home. I can get a ride there its getting back that might be an issue. I will skip if we do something like the zoo or universal or something else. But otherwise I plan to go all the way till next Summer. Big commitment for me. But I love my church. And they love me they all do. Hugs always welcome. I was never such a hugger till they started hugging me now I welcome anyone who wants to hug me at church. I feel like Jesus hugs me every time they do. The more they hug the more love I feel. I want to be around people who truly love me and I get that at church every time I am there in any form. This has been a big year for me in this area! God loves me and I love Him and He is loving me through His people thank you so much!!
that is all for now. This coming week unsure what will happen. About same as last week I guess. Cooler temps at night still warm during day such a Fall time in California. See you all next weekend. God bless you always!