I want to be honest here. This does NOT feel like November to me. Despite the fact we are in fact in the 11th month of the year. November I am usually writing a book for NaNoWriMo I have been doing this EVERY year sine 2008. I am doing the 30 days of thankful. I've done this for a few years now usually on twitter (I rarely tweet btw but thats another story). And I usually at least post each day the poem prompts for the poetry month thing from Writers Digest. Am I doing any of these? NO. No I am not. You know why. My heart has the biggest rip in it right now. Top off with stress, busy, being tired ALL the time, life is just not being kind. So yeah it doesn't feel like November. And my job deciding to make me work Thanksgiving (which I will NOT do no matter what) is beside all this.
1. Yesterday marked 4 weeks since my little Rainbow gained her wings. If you had told me even a month ago (date not day) at this time in a month she would be gone I would have been in as much shock as I am that she is still gone BECAUSE SHE IS. Every day I wake up and have to remind myself. And every day I cry. EVERY DAY. Yesterday I cry and it breaks me. Jesus gets me through every moment. Yesterday peace again for something outside this but still peace. Last week I asked for the guilt to be taken I had for weeks about my baby so much guilt I was just holding onto. Jesus is so faithful in all this. He holds me, takes me by the hand, and no matter what I have the promise that one day soon I pray one day very soon will take me home. I cant do this without him. Thank you Jesus THANK YOU SO MUCH! Gods is good always no matter what. He loves me and is getting me through this.
2. School is going so great. I just dropped my other class now got a W. Just radio again. And that means my creditors back on my back again for student loans. I pray I can get back in the Spring and if not I will be paying my way. And my plan is pay for my radio and then do the spare class at Mira Costa which means I hope they let me back in. Just ugh all around. But yeah show 12 great. Show 13 coming soon.
3. GYM did it twice. Monday & Thursday doing alright. Well Thursday I did that after a long hike more below. But yeah gym twice. But love the GYM. And that is all I have to say about that.
4. Went to Lake Calavaria on Thursday with my mom. Me and my sister went there three times in 2014. One time we took Rainbow. I was reminded of that. But we never hiked like we did Thursday and me and my mom we got lost up there and were there over 2 hours and thought we gonna die there. It just went on forever we were trapped never coming down. LOL. Glad we got off okay. Got a bit sunburnt and very sore. But had fun. And yes saw some great birds. The real goal of the whole thing. Lady study was nice on Thursday. I love that I can be with believers that truly love me. They all know (well most do) what I am going through. And even in the middle of my pain its hard to see the light sometimes one of them she turns to me and says "just know you are NOT alone" I am not alone in this. I can text or call or whatever and they will pray for me. I haven't yet but they will. They know what I am going through and I believe at least some of them even if I dont ask are in fact praying for me. Thank you ladies! And that was the peace of yesterday. Excepting that I am loved by them loved by God and lovable is something I have always struggled with. When someone is as messed up as me I want them to keep loving me and keep saying they love me because although it doesn't seem to stick it matters to me. And that was my peace in all this. To feel the love and to stop playing the negative thing. The devil he likes to make me think they don't really love me. And of all things God is upset with me. Not true. Taking my thoughts captive I need to get back to learning this because lately I have not been doing that.
5. Work blah last thing. Worked my usual 5. Next week is same of. The following nope. I am changing my times I can work on a few days. And I truly do need to start looking for another job and stop complaining. A few friends at this job cant keep me here. If I make it past a year I will be in shock but shall see my anniversary comes up I believe on December 10th. At least she approved both my days off in December. Now to fix my mess ups.
Well busy week. About same this week I guess. Ha. Well not as much. Have a good one. Keep cool. We having a mini heat wave here hope its almost done...
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